palm explore

drop the phone...broken into 2
cant call out ...
cant receive all
was disconected from the world
cant tell wut's the time.

i lost my arm.
feel hopeless

cant sleep have to get up early the next monrning...
hungry..haven eat since ...

1st dec

once a month ...i get it...
maybe once..
maybe twice..
or more...
depression.

can some1 tells me how to stop it...

mind clouded ...i cant think straight
always wondering how i get it...
why always remember how long it lingers.
i cant stand the feeling...
feeling hunting me ...
i might live young ...
die young..
it hunts me all the time ...
regardless of days...months...time...
day or night...
with friends or alone.

this time i took things on my own...
i must..rely on my only 'cure'
i feel happe...
ease ..
lighten suddenly
lietening to 80's
oldies...
tranz...
i giggle on my own...

a huge crowd outside the living hall...
but i was alone in my room..
my dark,cosy room..
with my pillow underneath my chest...
i feel safe...

joshua called...
i said : m sinkin again
he replied: wut's that ?
me: depression
him: couldnt remember but starts talking bout himself...
me: laughed..thinking ...yea who cares if i sink...im all by myself...celine dion's song strike me
joshua: coming from melacca ..reaching ur place around 3a.m
me:serious?? im fine...just trippin
him: coming...dun wasrte my phone bills, wut u thinking.,...pluckin money ...as if plucking leaves ...
me: ....forgotten wut i said...
hung up...
jerryca was outside with her gang...

i went out ..asked her in
i sang 'superwoman' chinese version to her...
my favourite and most emo song...
i feel like me...
she commented that i have no pitch...
darn ..at this time ....this hour mus she...
she left...

another 30 min passed by...went down to collect my clothes from dryer alone...
tripping all the way
smilling alone...

joshua called.
im at KLIA now...
me ..shock
worry...
panic..
utter: pls pls pls ...drive carefully...dun waste my money buying flower...my money doesnt comes from plucking leaves...
hung up

another 20 min...he's ere in my room.
he smiles...haven seen me like this b4
me..a bit embarrased
we chat...i forgotten...
tired slept around 5 - 6
with him on my right, jerryca on my left
sandwiched in the middle...

10am ..wanted to go to the loo...but scared to might wake them up
no choice..i hop out of the bed..
shit...head spining...
i must make it..
in the toilet..
done my business...
terrible ...dizziness...
keep telling myself..
i must make it...
i will make it...

i woke up...
jerryca beside me...
me..lying in the toilet floor...
joshua lookin at me ...he's stone.
me: shit...i din make it to the bed..
i walk to the bed..still feelin dizzy
never mind i said...i laughed and doze off.
my elbow...instant blue black...
i hit myself ...
at the door knob....
......